A Philosopher's Blog

Chris Christie Defends Policy of Quarantining Gun Owners

Posted in Humor by Michael LaBossiere on October 30, 2014

Newark — New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie (R) defended his  policy of quarantining  New Jersey gun owners.

“The government’s job is to protect safety and health of our citizens and guns hurt and kill many people,” Christie said.  “I have no second thoughts about it.”

Christie’s policy goes far beyond what even most liberals recommend. Anyone who owns a gun will be subject to a mandatory gun quarantine. The gun owner can leave her place of residence, but the gun must remain. Guns brought into the state will be quarantined along with their owners. The quarantine facility consists of unheated tents located in the Pine Barrens. Those quarantined will be given cardboard boxes  for their bathroom needs and a packet of wet naps in the place of shower facilities.

Not everyone agrees with the governor’s plan.

“If you put everyone in one basket, even people who are clearly no threat, a basic liberty is being violated for no reason”, said John Adams. Echoing this sentiment, T. Jefferson expressed concerns about the second amendment.

Christie brushed off those concerns.

“Folks that … buy a gun understand it’s in their interest and in public health interest to be quarantined,” Christie said.

Christie said the quarantine arrangement was a necessary step to protect the public in densely populated areas, criticizing the federal Centers for Disease Control.

“The fact of the matter is, the CDC just doesn’t get how many people are killed by guns. Way the f@ck more than Ebola. Pardon my language. But, if we are going to quarantine people just because we are afraid, then we should be quarantining people who actually have a chance of hurting someone. ” Christie said.

The NRA, which was silent about the treatment of the nurse who was quarantined in New Jersey, has threatened to sue the governor. Said the spokesman, “sure, we could gave a pigeon’s patootie about the rights of an unarmed nurse..or people eating dogs and cats….but when the governor starts talking about infringing on the only liberty that matters, we are all in.”

“Whatever,”Christie said, when asked about the lawsuit from the NRA. “Get in line. I’ve been sued lots of times before. Get in line. I’m happy to take it on.”

Leaving the stage, Christie was heard to mutter, “I’ll quarantine drivers next…so many people die in automobile accidents…”

Disclaimer: This is a parody.

Mike’s Run 1: Playing Doctor

Posted in Humor, Mike's Run by Michael LaBossiere on June 25, 2013

Mike's-Run-1L

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Happy Thanksgiving

Posted in Humor by Michael LaBossiere on November 23, 2011

 

 

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Probably a Good Idea….

Posted in Humor, Science by Michael LaBossiere on October 26, 2010

During the game Sunday, my friend Ron mentioned his telescope and what he could see with it. Naturally, this lead to the inevitable joke about Uranus. As a public service, I’ve created a warning label to be affixed to all telescopes. This should include virtual telescopes as well.

If Philosophers had infomercials.

Posted in Philosophy, Reasoning/Logic by Michael LaBossiere on May 21, 2010
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Interview with Whis

Posted in Aesthetics, Humor, Politics by Michael LaBossiere on November 7, 2009
Tea Bags

Image via Wikipedia

The following is a guest post from Peg Winni, a noted expert on the nexus of art and politics. In this post, Peg interviews Whis, a conservative artist whose real name remains unknown.

Peg Winni: “Whis, you are somewhat unusual in that you are gay, an artist and extremely conservative. Have you always been all three?”

Whis: “Well, I was born gay, developed my talent as an artist and was originally very liberal. But, I recently became a Republican. Log cabin, of course.”

Peg Winni: “How recently?”

Whis: “Well, let it suffice to say that I voted for Obama.”

Peg Winni: “But now you are against him?”

Whis: “Yes. He promised to do something about “don’t ask” and didn’t. He also promised other things. When he betrayed us, I knew I had to become a Republican.”

Peg Winni: “But Republicans tend to be anti-gay.”

Whis: “That is the stereotype and the myth. But, in actuality, many Republicans are gay. Just look at Larry Craig and Ted Haggard. In fact, as the kids would say, most of the Republican agenda is totally gay.”

Peg Winni: “So how does your conservative views influence your art?”

Whis: “Well, I see it as an evolution. When I first started, I held my brush in my hand, then tried holding it in my mouth. To make a statement. Then I thought that taping it to my penis would make more of a statement. But, pulling the tape off hurt a whole bunch. So, I just started painting with it. But then I saw Glenn Beck talking about the tea bag parties. I love tea bagging and wanted to get involved. I’d tea bag with Beck any day of the week. But, to get back to the art, I thought that I could express the Republican outrage by incorporating tea bagging into my art. So, I applied finger paint to my ‘tea bag’ and used it to artistically enhance images of the Democratic leadership. I tea bagged them left and right.”

Peg Winni: “So, your art expresses in paint what the tea party folks express with words?”

Whis:“Quite so. We all want to tea bag America. I even scream out political sayings when I do my art. Once, I even did a piece at a town hall meeting-just dropped my pants, slapped on the paint and starting tea bagging away on photos of Obama while I was yelling at the Democrats.”

Peg Winni: “How did the other tea party folks react?”

Whis:“The other tea baggers were impressed. They could see how much I loved America-almost as much as Glenn Beck loves it. By the end of the town hall, most of the tea baggers had their pants off and the paint was everywhere. It was a great day for America!”

Peg Winni:“That must have been quite a sight. Tell me, do you have any plans to expand your art?”

Whis:“Actually, yes. The town hall meeting got me thinking that I could make my artistic tea bagging into a performance art. I could go to town hall meetings, paint up and slap my tea bag on the foreheads of the Democrats.”

Peg Winni:“Wouldn’t that be considered some sort of assault?”

Whis:“No, it would be art. The Democrats, for all their faults, do love the arts. So, they would have to let me do it. Plus, I think most of them would enjoy a good tea bagging, too. That is one thing that there is bi-partisan support for. After all, they don’t have the ‘bi’ in ‘bi-partisan’ for nothing. ”

Peg Winni:“Interesting. Well, I’ll look for you on Fox News.”


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Obama School Speech

Posted in Humor by Michael LaBossiere on September 12, 2009

On 9/8/2009 Obama gave a speech aimed at America’s school children. While the message seemed to be innocuous (“stay in school, work hard, and don’t do drugs”), some folks were terrified that Obama would indoctrinate the children with his socialist ideals. It turns out that this nightmare has become a reality, as shown by this completely not made up phone conversation:

Friend: “Mike, I made a horrible mistake!”

Me: “What? Did you invest in AIG again? Take out another subprime mortgage loan? Buy the complete Friends show on DVD?”

Friend: “No..no. Far worse. I let my kids watch Obama’s school speech. Now…now they are like socialist zombies. Billy is trying to nationalize everything, Sally and Jane have grandpa trapped in the attic and are insisting that he be brought before a Death Panel, and Roger says he wants to get gay married to the parrot. Why, oh why didn’t I listen to Rush?”

Me: “Holy crap, that sounds bad. But why call me?”

Friend:“Well, I heard that you and some of your buddies have some experience in deprogramming  cultists.”

Me:“Sure. But we usually ‘deprogram’ them by shooting them. Sometimes we blow them up, though.  That deprograms the hell out of them. But I’m reasonable sure that you don’t want your kids shot or blown up, right?”

Friend: “Well…no, I suppose not. But, can you help me? Roger has started yelling that I need to divorce his mother and marry Bill O’reilly…I think the girls have got the shotgun…they are all speaking in some language I can’t understand. It might be…French…what can I do?”

Me: “Hell, it sounds like Obama’s speech summoned up some socialist demons and they are possessing your kids. You’ll need to perform an exorcism to drive them out. First, turn on Fox News full blast on all your TV sets. Then get webcasts of Rush’s show going on your PC. If you can, get Rush’s show on the radio, too.”

Friend: “Okay, I did all that…the kids have moved into the bathroom to get away from the holy power of Fox and Rush.”

Me: “Now you need to get a copy of the Wealth of Nations and touch it to each child’s head. While you do this, have your wife follow up with an Ayn Rand book. Any one will do. Also, sprinkle the kids with money and anything with a corporate logo on it. All the while, chant ‘greed is good.'”

Friend: “I’ve got a hat with the GM logo…”

Me: “For the love of God, don’t use that. GM is a socialist company now, under the dominion of Obama. Have you got any Microsoft products?”

Friend: “Yes.”

Me: “Use those.”

Friend: “Okay, I’m throwing copies of Office and Vista at them! They’re crying!”

Me: “That is a normal reaction to Microsoft. Getting a human response from them is a good sign! Keep it up man, keep it up!”

Friend: ” Greed is good! Greed is good! Greed is good!”

Roger: “I don’t want to marry a gay parrot! I want to smoke dope, play Xbox all day and drop out of school!”

Sally & Jane: “We don’t want to kill grandpa! We want to watch reality TV and not do our homework!”

Friend: “They’re back to normal!”

Me: “Yes, yes they are. The demons of Obama have been banished and all the evil influences of his speech have been driven out. Your kids are back to their usual unmotivated selves, just as God intended. “

Ossification Clarification

Posted in Humor, Medicine/Health, Running by Michael LaBossiere on September 5, 2009
Wolverine: X-men Origins
Image by Satsukiame via Flickr

On September 3, 2009 I had what I hoped would be my last follow up visit for my quadriceps tendon repair surgery. Unfortunately, I’ll have to go back again. The following dialogue nicely explains the situation:

Friend: “So, I hear you had your last appointment. Ready to start winning races again?”

Me: “Well, it was supposed to be my last. Now I have to go back for another x-ray and follow up. Also, I won’t be winning anything for a while, unless it is for ugliest running style. Or, rather, hobble-jogging style.”

Friend: “But, you seem to be doing so well.”

Me: “I am, but the x-ray I had today shows that I’ve got  heterotopic ossification.”

Friend: “Your surgery made you gay?”

Me: “What? No. heterotopic ossification is when bones form in soft tissue. In my case, I’ve got some tiny bone nodules in the soft tissue above the knee. Anyway, being gay would be ‘homo’ and not ‘hetero.'”

Friend: “Your knee is gay and has a bone?”

Me: “Okay, that is wrong on numerous levels. Let me try again. Neither me nor my knee are gay. I have bits of bone tissue that grew in the soft tissue.”

Friend: “Does that give you powers?”

Me: “Um, what?”

Friend: “You know, can you extend bone knifes out of your knee, like Wolverine did in X-Men Origins?”

Me: “No. They just sit there and do nothing other than being vaguely annoying. Much like you.”

Friend: “Are you sure you can’t do that? It would be so cool. You’d be like Knife Knee, the mutant that knees bad guys with his knife knee. You could be an X-Man.”

Me: “Errrrr!”

Friend: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Trying to get that knee knife to work so I can stab you.”

Friend: “Awesome! I’ll start designing your costume and your catchphrase. How about ‘knife kneeing evil in the groin’?”

Me: “No.”

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Shirts & Skins

Posted in Humor, Running by Michael LaBossiere on August 29, 2009

Although I can only “ugly jog” for 200-600 yards at a time, I am mobile enough to volunteer at road/cross country races and did so today. While it was a bit hard working rather than cross the finish line, it was good to see everyone. When I run, I almost never wear a shirt, but when I was at the race I was wearing one. This led to the following conversation:

Friend: “Hey, how are you doing? How’s the knee?”

Me: “Okay. I can ugly jog now.”

Friend: “What?”

Me: “Observe.” I commence ugly jogging.

Friend: “For the love of God stop! It hurts my soul!”

Me: “See?”

Friend: “Yes…I’ll take that memory to the grave. Hey, you’re wearing a shirt. You never wear shirts at races. Not even when it is cold.”

Me: “Well, I do wear shirts sometimes, like in January. But it never really gets cold here. This is Florida, you know. But, I’m wearing a shirt because walking around without a shirt on is creepy. Oddly enough, running with one off is fine. Standing around after a race without a shirt is fine. But just walking around without a shirt…creepy. And driving without a shirt, that is creepy as hell. I mean, where is a dude going not wearing a shirt? Nowhere good, I can tell you.”

Friend: “Are sure about all that?”

Me: “Yeah. Watch this.” I take off my shirt and start walking.

Friend: “Damn, that is creepy.”

Me: “Now, watch this. I’m going jog a bit. Don’t look at my legs, just the upper body.”

Friend: “Damn, you are one sexy beast!”

Me: “Now you’re creeping me out, dude.”

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FAQs for Obama’s Health Care Plan

Posted in Humor, Medicine/Health, Politics by Michael LaBossiere on August 22, 2009

Q: Does Obama have a health care plan?
A: Yes. Much like Hitler had a plan.

Q: Speaking of Hitler, I heard that the health care plan will be a Nazi plan. Is this true?
A: Nothing could be further from the truth.

Q: Whew, that is a relief…
A: Wait, I’m not done answering. It will be ten thousand times worse than the Nazis. At least. Probably much worse.

Q: Um, yeah. I also heard that Obama plans to kill old people. Is that true?
A: Not at all. Killing them would waste valuable resources. His plan is to put them to work at GM. After they drop dead assembling socialist cars, any usable organs will be harvested and the leftover bits will be made into pet food. Or maybe people food, perhaps something called Soylent Gray. You know, like in the movie.

Q: Soylent Green?
A: Yes. That one.

Q: Health care sounds expensive. How will Obama pay for it?
A: He’ll tax the f@ck out of everybody. Especially people like you. He’ll double f@ck you. I bet you won’t like that.

Q: What if the tax money isn’t enough?
A: He’ll sell the old people’s organs to the Chinese. Plus, there is already a deal in the works with Purina and McDonalds for the other bits.

Q: Really?
A: Yes. Here, try a sample McPerson burger.

Q: Any trans fat in it?
A: No. McPerson meat is 100% trans fat free. Plus it is free range and organic. By that I mean that the old people sleep outside when they aren’t making cars and they mostly eat what they can find around the factories. Things like weeds, mice and pigeons. Sometimes each other. It is best not to ask, really.

Q: Back to health care. What can I expect to get from the plan?
A: Taxed. And double f@cked taxed.

Q: I mean, what about my medical care?
A: Well, a Nazi bureaucrat will get between you and your doctor. Plus, you’ll have no choice. If the bureaucrat says that you need a hysterectomy, then you get one.

Q: A hysterectomy? But I’m a man.
A: You won’t be after that operation. But that was just an example. Maybe he’ll decide that you need to be euthanized. It is all up to the bureaucrats. They will probably just spin a wheel or something to see what to do. But in any case you’ll have to wait a long time before seeing a doctor. You’ll probably be dead long before your appointment.

Q: Can I keep my old insurance? I have Blue Cross and Blue Shield?
A: No. Obama is going to round up all the people who work for insurance companies and put them into camps. Like I said, it is a Nazi health care plan. You can keep your old plan, but everyone who worked for that company won’t need health care anymore. If you get what I mean.

Q: Is this all true?
A: As far as you know.

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