A Philosopher's Blog

Shocking News

Posted in Humor by Michael LaBossiere on April 1, 2013

Today, I must confess that some of my beliefs have been conclusively proven to be false.

Donald Trump enters the Oscar De LA Renta Fash...

First, I saw on the news this morning that Donald Trump’s team of crack investigators finally turned up Obama’s real birth certificate. It turns out he was born in Kenya and that his real name isn’t even “Obama” but “Osama.”  I am sorry to doubt you, Mr. Trump. I should have known that a man of such class could not be wrong.

Second, I learned today that same-sex marriage would destroy children. It turns out that the pediatricians misplaced a decimal point when doing their calculations. Dr. Alex Zippydeu had the following to say: “We were totally wrong. Same-sex couples would make their kids totally gay-just like straight parents make their kids totally straight. Plus, allowing same-sex marriage would cause the sun to go nova. Obviously, that would be bad for the the children.  Fortunately we caught this mistake in time and have come out against same-sex marriage.” Because of this new science, I have to repudiate my book For Better or Worse Reasoning and I will be writing Same Sex Marriage Will Kill Us All! 

Third, I walked in on a secret meeting of university faculty. They were worshiping a statue of Karl Marx. Turns out that those

Karl Marx

who warned us that all academics are at least pink (if not red) were dead on. I had assumed that since faculty liked getting paid and were always buying Apple stuff that they liked capitalism. But I turned out to be totally wrong, comrades.

Fourth, it turns out that we do not need taxes. There is a town, Real Town,  in real America whose citizens pay no taxes and accept no money from the state. The mayor of the town, Mayor McCheese, had this to say: “Of course we don’t do that tax thing. Here in Real Town the roads pave themselves, fires put themselves out, there is no crime and everyone is born with a college degree. If we paid taxes, it would break the magic spell that makes all this possible.”

Finally, I noticed that the earth is flat and the sun rotates around it! After all, I was running on flat ground this morning and the sun clearly rose.

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6 Responses

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  1. drewdog2060drewdog2060 said, on April 1, 2013 at 7:45 am

    A very whitty April foolls joke!

  2. ajmacdonaldjr said, on April 1, 2013 at 10:07 am

    The sun does rise. Have you read my book concerning this? Concerning the phenomenological aspects of cosmology? and everything else?

    Gadamer pointed out the fact the the sun’s appearing to rise is just as true-for-us as is the scientific truth-claim that the earth revolves around the sun.

    My point, in the book, is that phenomenological appearances are more important to us, on a pragmatic level. than the scientific truth-claim, true though it is.

    You can read the book online, get the Kindle edition, or the trade paperback. My royalties are donated to charity.

    See: http://archive.org/details/TheWorldPerceivedATheologicalAndPhenomenologicalApproachToThinking

    See: http://www.amazon.com/World-Perceived-Theological-Phenomenological-World/dp/1440462143

  3. T. J. Babson said, on April 1, 2013 at 11:07 am

    Best April fool’s article of all time:

    April 01, 1985

    The Curious Case Of Sidd Finch

    He’s a pitcher, part yogi and part recluse. Impressively liberated from our opulent life-style, Sidd’s deciding about yoga—and his future in baseball.

    George Plimpton


    • WTP said, on April 1, 2013 at 12:59 pm

      Best AFJ in the last 30 years, IMO. Like how the first letters of the first paragraph give it away, sort-of.

  4. FRE said, on April 1, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    After reading about one sentence, I concluded that it was an April fool joke.

  5. WTP said, on April 1, 2013 at 12:58 pm

    I believe the exact quote from Mayor McCheese was:

    “Of course we do that tax thing. But taxes are low because they are only required to fund the limited role of government. You see, here in Real Town people get up every day and go to work to produce stuff that we all need. They don’t sit around at universities and philosophize about what sort of work should be done or how other people should do the work, or even question the value and/or purpose of doing work. They don’t use sophistry to justify who to take wealth from to pay others to meet their needs of self-fulfillment and self-actualization, nor to buy “art” from beatniks, build rail lines that no one wants to ride, subsidize inefficient companies who hire the “right kind” of people and produce the “right kind” of goods. We don’t print money to cover our debts because we understand that money is just paper and that you can’t get yourself out of an economic jam by printing more of it to cover wasteful government spending. We don’t coddle our criminals in the name of “being fair”. Fires are put out by real firemen who, when not putting out fires, work hard keeping their fire engines clean as a matter of self respect and civic pride, two values we promote rather than mock as other communities may do. We recognize that giving someone a college degree in sociology or basket weaving…or basketball, or sadly, even philosophy, as important as these subjects may be, does not help the community when there is actual work to be done. We invest in the education of our youth providing them with an opportunity to develop useful skills along with an understanding of the abstract concepts behind those skills. We teach them the value of the rules of our society and educate them on the values of freedom AND personal responsibility and how those principles create an environment which has the greatest potential for creating wealth. But they also understand that while they have the power to change those rules, they also are responsible for the consequences, good or bad, of making those changes. We expect our youth to go out and DO something before we take any of their criticisms of our society seriously. Most importantly, we teach our youth how an economic system works, what wealth is, where it comes from, and how to maintain and build upon it.”

    April fool indeed.

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