Here is the News
This morning Sarah Palin exercised an obscure constitutional power: the ability to fire and replace the President. Apparently the constitution has a clause that a governor who quit prior to the end of his term can do this, provided that “she is smoking hot” and has “killed the beasts of the land from a flying machine.” This seems to have been put into the constitution by Benjamin Franklin as a joke, most likely after a night on the town with his drinking buddy Samuel Adams.
Prior to being sworn in, Palin said she would undo what Obama has done and she would begin by “destroying all hope and undoing all change.” Five minutes after being sworn in, she held an impromptu press conference and resigned, blaming the hateful liberal media and claiming that she would do more good in a private capacity. This placed Obama back in office and led Joe Biden to say something too stupid to print here.
After returning to office, Obama quickly signed the health care bill after driving the moose out of the oval office. Immediately those affected by the bill became either Stalinist communists or Nazis. Naturally, the two groups could be told apart by the differences in the mustaches that they suddenly grew.
While the new Stalinists and Nazis threatened violence, it turned out that being socialists they were lazy and incapable of engaging in competition. So, instead of trying to destroy America or force abortions onto unwilling women, they merely stayed home to watch TV, surf the web and devour Cheetos. Many were hospitalized due to their overindulgence and were promptly euthanized by Obama’s Death Panels.
Seeing this weakness in America, Al Qaeda sent wave after wave of bombers to attack the United States. These included the jock strap bomber, the eye patch bomber, the hemorrhoid bomber, and the sphincter bomber. Due to poor bomb design, all the bombers ended up merely burning various parts of their anatomy, thus leading them to insist on being water boarded (at least until the fires were out). Nothing was heard from Dick Cheney, who was apparently busy having his 666th heart attack. He is expected to recover fully, at least as long as he can escape the Obama Death Panels.
Meanwhile, the liberal media continued to do its best to destroy God, Apple Pie and America. Fortunately, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Fox News were able to warn America about the media threat through the media. The irony was lost on them, as it always is.
In closing news, God showed up to say that the entire planet was under water due to a bad sub prime loan (and not due to divine wrath). Apparently, we are being evicted to the moon. Hearing this, the moonbats rejoiced: at long last they would get a free trip back home.