A Philosopher's Blog

Here is the News

Posted in Humor by Michael LaBossiere on April 1, 2010
Benjamin Franklin

Image via Wikipedia

This morning Sarah Palin exercised an obscure constitutional power: the ability to fire and replace the President. Apparently the constitution has a clause that a governor who quit prior to the end of his term can do this, provided that “she is smoking hot” and has “killed the beasts of the land from a flying machine.” This seems to have been put into the constitution by Benjamin Franklin as  a joke, most likely after a night on the town with his drinking buddy Samuel Adams.

Prior to being sworn in, Palin said she would undo what Obama has done and she would begin by “destroying all hope and undoing all change.” Five minutes after being sworn in, she held an impromptu press conference and resigned, blaming the hateful liberal media and claiming that she would do more good in a private capacity. This placed Obama back in office and led Joe Biden to say something too stupid to print here.

After returning to office, Obama quickly signed the health care bill after driving the moose out of the oval office. Immediately those affected by the bill became either Stalinist communists or Nazis. Naturally, the two groups could be told apart by the differences in the mustaches that they suddenly grew.

While the new Stalinists and Nazis threatened violence, it turned out that being socialists they were lazy and incapable of engaging in competition. So, instead of trying to destroy America or force abortions onto unwilling women, they merely stayed home to watch TV, surf the web and devour Cheetos. Many were hospitalized due to their overindulgence and were promptly euthanized by Obama’s Death Panels.

Seeing this weakness in America, Al Qaeda sent  wave after wave of bombers to attack the United States. These included the jock strap bomber, the eye patch bomber, the hemorrhoid bomber, and the sphincter bomber. Due to poor bomb design, all the bombers ended up merely burning various parts of their anatomy, thus leading them to insist on being water boarded (at least until the fires were out). Nothing was heard from Dick Cheney, who was apparently busy having his 666th heart attack. He is expected to recover fully, at least as long as he can escape the Obama Death Panels.

Meanwhile, the liberal media continued to do its best to destroy God, Apple Pie and America. Fortunately, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Fox News were able to warn America about the media threat through the media. The irony was lost on them, as it always is.

In closing news, God showed up to say that the entire planet was under water due to a bad sub prime loan (and not due to divine wrath). Apparently, we are being evicted to the moon. Hearing this, the moonbats rejoiced: at long last they would get a free trip back home.

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10 Responses

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  1. magus71 said, on April 1, 2010 at 6:37 am

    The Prof’s anti-Palin and Cheney crusade continues. Oh yeah, and God too.

    And yet Obama continues to bear responsibility for where we are now.

    • Michael LaBossiere said, on April 1, 2010 at 5:44 pm

      I’m not on a crusade. If I were, I’d be far more relentless in my attacks. After all, running has trained me well in the ways of fanaticism. If you see me cranking out attack videos, writing editorials and so on, then you’ll know I am on a crusade.

      Obama has responsibility for where he got us, but he was not president 8 years ago or 16 years ago. So, sorting out what he is responsible for is not just a matter of seeing where we are now. It also requires seeing what got us here.

  2. magus71 said, on April 1, 2010 at 6:38 am

    And all the rhetorical overkill in the world still won’t change the fact that the liberal media hates Palin and loves Obama.

    • P.E.N.Name said, on April 1, 2010 at 8:20 am

      Wake me when Palin does something worth loving her for. And when does her responsibility for the fiscal condition (70% debt to GDP ratio) of the state she quit end?

      • magus71 said, on April 1, 2010 at 8:40 am

        Who loves Palin? Not me.

        I’m not sure why she’s worth talking about so much.

        Mike, I believe you have a minion to replace Dave if he ever turns on you….

        • Michael LaBossiere said, on April 1, 2010 at 5:46 pm

          She has become a “figure of note” in large part thanks to the media. After all, she gets a significant amount of coverage (more than her accomplishments and activities seem to actually warrant).

          I’m always glad to have more minions. You should get some. They are great for setting off those pesky traps.

      • P.E.N.Name said, on April 1, 2010 at 9:23 am

        m: Why was Britney Spears the center of attention for a while? She shaved her head. Didn’t wear panties.

        Sarah gets plucked from nowhere (I mean Alaska) to be a VP candidate. She takes her Down Syndrome child with her on her political tour when she is financially equipped to provide the child special care in a much less hectic environment. She muffs a Couric(of all people!) interview. Her ticket loses big. She quits her day job, leaving behind lots of debt.She wrote a book. She joins Fox. I’m sure we’d leave her alone if she’d just leave us alone. But. . .as long as she’s constantly thrusting herself on an ‘eager’ public, she’s stuck with the consequences. And I think she likes the consequences.

        You don’t love her, but you seem to be quite sensitive to references to her. You’ll have to get over that.

    • Michael LaBossiere said, on April 1, 2010 at 5:44 pm

      Wow, good example of overkill. :)

  3. T. J. Babson said, on April 1, 2010 at 10:10 am

    I noticed one factual error in Mike’s report. Obama didn’t drive the moose out of the Oval Office–he killed it with a drone attack.

    • Michael LaBossiere said, on April 1, 2010 at 5:48 pm

      Shhh, PETA doesn’t know that. They are still angry over the fly. The official report is that the moose “is on a farm upstate” where he can “play with the other moose.”


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