A Philosopher's Blog

Lone Wolf & Cub D&D Feats

Posted in Humor by Michael LaBossiere on December 26, 2008

I thought of this a while ago when watching the Lone Wolf & Cub movies and finally got around to typing it up. To appreciate this, you’ll need to be at least vaguely familiar with D&D and the Lone Wolf & Cub movies.

Basket Hat (General)
You can wear a big basket as a hat.
Prerequisites: Having a head and  a big basket.
Benefit: You can function normally while wearing a big basket for a hat.
Normal: People normally do not wear big baskets for hats.

Cool Name (General)
You have a cool name.
Prerequisite: Having a character.
Benefit: You get a cool name, like “Lord of Death” or “Lord of the Basket Hat”
Normal: People normally just write down a cool name on their character sheet rather than wasting a feat on it.

Dramatic Flair (General)
You have dramatic flair.
Prerequisite: None (you do not need to be gay).
Benefit: Your actions and words are marked with dramatic flair. When you swing a sword or throw a punch, it makes a dramatic sound. When you talk, sound effects accent your speech. You have your own theme music.
Normal: Most people lack dramatic flair, though some do have pieces of flair

Dying Monologue(General)
You can keep saying useless and senseless things when you should be quietly dying.
Prerequisite: Dramatic Flair
Benefit: When dying (-1 hit points or less), you can spew out a monologue until you are actually dead. If you are dead, you get one round to monologue. The monologue must have no game effect nor can it convey any useful information or commands. It should be something like this: “The wind blows in trees. The rain falls in the East. I’ve been stabbed through the face, so I’ll be food for the beast. Justice shall be done by the power of the right. The sun will shine though it is the middle of the night. Ice, ice, baby.”
Normal: People who are busy dying usually shut the hell up.

Fountains of Blood (General)
When you stab or cut living things, they bleed a lot.
Prerequisite: The ability to stab or cut living things like people and monsters.
Benefit: When you do damage with a slashing or piercing weapon, the target fountains blood from its wounds. This does no additional damage, but looks gruesome. All creatures who can see this will say “holy s#$t, look at all the blood!” as a free action.
Normal: When characters stab or cut living things, they bleed. Just not quite so much.


One Response

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  1. kernunos said, on December 27, 2008 at 12:34 pm

    Lone Wolf had only one toddler on his back?!?!?!? What a wuss! I would fight with the D&D feat “Immigrant Family on the Back” with the prerequisite of “Toddler Stuck to the Hip”. The Toddler feat is cool because as you wade through the mass of victims with flesh being strewn everywhere the onlookers will sympathize with you. A single dad taking up the responsibility of a caring for a child would make them look good even if serial killer status is achieved. Good for picking up the chicks too. The Immigrant family feat is good for an unlimited supply of re-fried beans and the ability for a quick escape by dropping them and yelling “INS” for a diversion.

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