A Philosopher's Blog

The McCainator

Posted in Humor, Politics by Michael LaBossiere on November 7, 2008

A little something for my conservative friends:

It was 2029 in the Obamanation that had once been America. The human race was running out of time. With the Same Sex Marriage Chapels running twenty four hours a day and mandatory abortion, it looked like there would soon be no humans left.

But, though the world was a gay, gunless wasteland, resistance had not been extinguished. A few brave men and women fought on against the oppressive Liberalnet system. Gathering their meager resources, they were able to build a time machine and send a single soldier back to the past. This soldier would kill, in the past, the one person responsible for the ruin of America. This would, it was hoped, set things right.

In a flurry of pyrotechnics, the McCainator appeared in the past. Well, what was then the present. What was…I mean is now. Whatever. Hell, you know what I mean.

A bit dazed and really naked, the McCainator was confronted by four young men. They whistled at him and called him “sweetcheeks.” After killing them, he decided to dress in their rather fashionable clothes. He then when in search of guns, lots of guns.

Arriving at what he thought was a gun store, he went up to the counter and spat out harsh words to the foppish young fellow.

“The 12 gauge auto-loader. The 45 long slide with laser sighting. Phase plasma rifle in 40-watt range.
The Uzi 9mm.”

The fellow looked at him and replied, “dude, what are those?”

“Guns. I need guns.”

The fellow thought for a moment and said, “Oh, I remember my dad talking about those in the before time. We haven’t had any guns since 2008. I sell bongs and sex toys now.”

“Wait, this isn’t 2008?”

“No, dude. This is 2012. The fourth year of our savior’s reign.”

“Damn! They didn’t send me back far enough!”

The McCainator suddenly reached past the dude to grab the biggest bong.

“Hey, you can’t do that!”, yelled the dude.

“Wrong”, said the McCainator, whacking the dude in the face until he cried out for socialized medicine.

“I’m a maverick. I do what I want, bitch.”

The McCainator went back to the future and made sure the eggheads got it right this time.

After getting guns, lots of guns, he went looking for his target.

To make sure he got the right one, he’d ask before shooting: “Are you Sarah Palin?”

How Obama Won

Posted in Politics by Michael LaBossiere on November 7, 2008

Historians and pundits will be picking through the 2008 election for years, but there seem to be four main factors that made an Obama win possible.

First, there is Obama himself. He put together an excellent team, developed an effective strategy, and was a master at presenting himself. He also excelled at damage control. Further, he has the traits that Americans are looking for in a leader: he is calm, rational, competent and confident. He also seems to be willing to take steps to bring Americans together, even to the point of possibly including Republicans in his cabinet.

Second, there was McCain and Palin. McCain has many virtues, but the ability to run an effective and strategic campaign is not among them. As the pundits pointed out, he had no overall strategy and seemed to lurch from tactic to tactic based on what day of the week it was and what tape or rumor  about Obama happened to surface. Palin also seems to have been a slight drag on the ticket. Perhaps not enough to make a major difference, but enough to take votes away from McCain. Of course, it was impressive to see McCain keeping his campaign going. It was like watching a pilot somehow keeping a bullet ridden and burning plane in the air.

Third, there was the economy. As the pundits have said, if the economy was doing well and the #1 issue was security, McCain would have most likely won. However, McCain came across as weak on the economy and fumbled badly when the crisis arose. Obama handled the situation with more skill and succeeded in coming across as confident. Further, concern about the economy no doubt helped erode concerns about race. This is, of course, the classic foxhole effect. In times of such worry people care less about factors like race and more about whether someone can help them out. Obama did an excellent job convincing the American people that he can handle this crisis while McCain did not. Hence, the tanking economy gave Obama a critical boost by switching the race to McCain’s weak point and also dampening concerns about race.

Fourth, there was George Bush and the Republicans. Their actions  lead to incredibly low approval ratings and to a damaged Republican brand. McCain not only had to run against Obama, he also had to run against the damage done by his own party. If McCain had been able to do more to separate himself from Bush, then he might have had a better chance. Amazingly, calling himself a maverick did not do this. Of course, McCain was in a difficult situation: he had to cozy up to the party to get the support and funds he needed, but had to distance himself from that party to avoid being dragged down. In the end, he was unable to make it work.