In today’s high speed and high tech world, there is really no time to do an old fashioned breakup. After all, texting your former partner “imbrkingupwu” takes far too much time. Adding an explanation takes even more precious time that could be spent updating your status on Facebook or Twittering with the twits. Of course, breaking up without giving any reason can be a bit heartless, even in today’s uncaring world. So, to solve this problem I have created the following breakup list. Each entry has a number, so when you want to break up with someone, simply send the message bu# (where # is replaced with the number for the breakup reason, given below). For example, texting bu 4 sends the message “I’m breaking up with you because I just discovered I’m bi, but I’m swinging the other way now.” Be sure to send the url for this post along with the message so the person can look up the reason.
1I don’t have time for you.
2 I just discovered I’m gay.
3 I just discovered I’m straight.
4 I just discovered I’m bi, but I’m swinging the other way now.
5 I met someone who has more money than you.
6 I met someone who has larger breasts than you.
7 I met someone who has a better car than you.
8 It’s not you, it’s me.
9 It’s not me, it’s you.
10 Damn, you got ugly quick.
11 I’m banging your best friend.
12 I’m banging your sister.
13 I’m banging your brother.
14 I’m banging your brother and sister.
15 I’m banging your brother, sister, and best friend.
16 The voices in my head told me it’s time to see other people.
17 I’m back with my ex.
18 I’m now with your ex.
19 I’m now with your ex, my ex, and your best friend.
20 I hate your cat.
21 I hate your 15 cats, except Mr. Whiskerpants. He’s okay.
22 I hate your dog.
23 Your dog ate my cat.
24 Your theological views clash with my metphysical theory.
25 Obama said it is time for a change, so I’m changing you.
26 McCain said “Country First”, so I’m banging the country.
27 I found Jesus, but he’s really far away so I have to leave you.
28 You’re out of crack.
29 I’m confused about my gender.
30 I’m confused about my species.
31 I love you, but I’m not in love you.
32 I’m batsh$t crazy and don’t need a reason.