A Philosopher's Blog

Men, Women & Communication II

Posted in Relationships/Dating by Michael LaBossiere on July 26, 2007


I recently had another opportunity to provide relationship advice. As usual, this provided new insights into the way people fail to communicate. With some dramatization for effect, here is how it went:

Her: “So, we went to the movies and then he drove me back to my place. I really wanted him to come in…”

Me: “You do remember that talk we had about ‘too much information’, right?”

Her: “Don’t worry. He didn’t come in. When he dropped me off, I said I was tired and was going to go to sleep because I had an early day.”

Me: “Okay. So what is the problem?”

Her: “I really wanted him to come in.”

Me: “Well, you could have said that, you know.”

Her: “You don’t understand how this dating thing works. That’s why you’re single, you know.”

Me: “And yet you come to me for advice…”

Her: “But you are smart and sometimes say things that aren’t totally stupid.”

Me: “Thanks.”

Her: “Anytime.”

Me: “So, you wanted him to stay, but told him to go away?”

Her: “Yes. He just didn’t get it. I think he’s too passive for me. A man needs to take charge.”

Me: “And read minds?”

Her: “No. He just can’t be passive.”

Me: “Could you pass the blueberry pie, please?”

Her: “Sure.”

Me: “Sigh.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “I really wanted the cherry pie. You handed me the blueberry.”

Her: “But you asked for the blueberry pie! You have to ask for what you want, you know.”

Me: “Yes. Yes you do. If you weren’t so passive, you would have handed me the cherry pie.”

Her: “You are a right bastard.”

Me: “Yes. The emphasis being on ‘right’, of course.”


Later on…

Her: “All the guys I date turn out to be assholes.”

Me: “That guy you went to the movies with sounded like a decent guy.”

Her: “But I’m not dating him. He’s too passive.”

Me: “Sigh.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “He’s passive because he just left when you asked him to?”

Her: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, what do you say to a guy you are not interested in when you are in that same situation?”

Her: “I tell him I’m tired and have to go to sleep because I have an early day.”

Me: “We’ve had this talk before-you can’t say the same thing and expect it to mean something different to other people.”

Her: “Yes, I can. A real man would know what I meant.”

Me: “Really? Like a real woman would know about which pie I wanted?”

Her: “That’s not the same at all!”

Me: “True-pie is much more important.”

Her: “You and your pie…”

Me: “You know, I have a guess about why you end up dating jerks.”

Her: “Why is that, Socrates?”

Me: “Look at how you deal with guys. The last guy took what you said as the truth-he trusted that you were not deceiving him and that you were really tired and wanted him to leave. He was polite and respected what he thought you wanted.”

Her: “So how does this explain why all men are jerks?”

Me: ‘Well, not all of us are. Anyway, the sort of guy that gets past your little test or whatever it is has to think that you are lying when you say you are tired. Someone who thinks that way is probably a liar himself. Also, he has to be willing to be pushy and has to think that there is no reason to respect what you say. So, only lying, pushy, impolite men who don’t believe what you say will get past that barrier. In short, you have a dating filter that keeps out good guys and selects for assholes. That is why all the men you end up dating are assholes.”

Her: “Nah. All men are assholes. Some of them are just passive jerks and I don’t date them.”

Me: “Sigh.”

Her: “You’re just mad because you’re a passive jerk, too.”

Me: “And yet you keep bringing me pie and asking for my advice.”

Her: “Bastard.”





One Response

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  1. Miss Frankie said, on July 9, 2008 at 1:55 pm

    This must be the same female who believes that all men should be nuetered. I had to comment that I enjoyed reading your final word to her. I saw it coming as I read “Look at how you deal with guys. The last guy took what you said as the truth-he trusted that you were not deceiving him and that you were really tired and wanted him to leave. He was polite and respected what he thought you wanted,”
    and I started to laugh. I understand how a man treats you because he himself does the same thing. It is very frustrating dealing with that type of person especially when you love him very much. It causes you to mis trust him.

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