A Philosopher's Blog

SOTU Draft

Posted in Humor, Politics by Michael LaBossiere on January 28, 2011
Political commentator Glenn Beck at the Time 1...
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The following text was sent to me by a freedom loving patriot. He apparently managed to hack into Obama’s Blackberry and acquire a rough draft of the speech. He said that he was hampered a bit by the voices in his head-apparently his tinfoil hat was slipping because he was sweating out of fear that he would be brought before a Death Panel. Here is the draft he found:

Comrades,

I am here to speak before you of the state of the Peoples’ Republic of America, long may the Proletariat Revolution Live! (Pause for the adoration of the media and Democrat sheep).

As I had hoped, the job killing health care is killing jobs at the rate of 10 million per day. At this point, it is actually almost done with America and will soon have to travel to other countries to kill jobs. After that, other worlds, other galaxies and finally other realities.  Hell, it might even travel back in time and kill past jobs, too. This killing machine will not rest until all the jobs are dead. Don’t worry Bill, it won’t kill the blow jobs. (Pause for laughter).

Speaking of killing, the Death Panels are in full operation. Even as I speak, black helicopters are circling the houses of key conservative pundits and Tea Party activists. In fact, the Secret Gestapo just texted me that Glenn Beck has been darted, bagged, tagged and will soon be brought before a Death Panel. I wonder what the verdict will be? (Pause for laughter).

On a more serious note, I am pleased to report that the Government now owns nearly 90% of all businesses in America. Productivity has dropped and inferior products are being made-if they are available at all. The rich will be rounded up and brought before Death Panels and their money will be used to teach pimps how to run their businesses. Any leftover money will be used to fund research into a machine to make everyone gay. (Pause for even more adoration)

Taxes have been increased two billion percent and we have borrowed five hundred gazillion dollars for China. In return I have promised the Chinese your children and your children’s children. And their children, too. (Pause for applause-consider joke about Tiger Moms)

I am also pleased to announce that Sharia law will replace the Constitution, although atheism will also be mandated while Islam will be the official religion. On a related note, I am pleased to announce that I will bringing in religious teachers from my home country of Kenya.

Sieg Heil!

(Pause while the Republicans are rounded up and marched off to Death Panels).

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6 Responses

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  1. T. J. Babson said, on January 28, 2011 at 7:54 am

    Humankind cannot bear very much reality. ~T.S. Eliot

  2. WTP said, on January 28, 2011 at 9:41 am

    You need to get some new friends.

  3. erik said, on January 28, 2011 at 11:53 am

    “No man will be found in whose mind airy notions do not sometimes tyrannize, and force him to hope or fear beyond the limits of sober probability.” ~Samuel Johnson

    How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg. ~Abraham Lincoln

    Few people have the imagination for reality. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

    Okay, who put a “stop payment” on my reality check? ~Glenn Beck
    He who is born a fool is never cured. Proverb

  4. erik said, on January 28, 2011 at 10:17 pm

    Oh—WTP: You responded to my post on Nov. 19-The Terrorists are Winning
    by referring to the “dipshit attitude” of liberals. That all came not too long after you had responded to one of MIKES’s posts: “Oh. Bull fucking shit.” I thought: “What uncommon variety of turd is this asshole?” But I didn’t write it, because generally, on this blog, people disagree, but not so disagreeably.

    Then you twisted my statement about a five-year-old smuggling a bomb on a plane in her panties into something about inspecting babies’ diapers for bombs. I replied that I wasn’t aware of many 5- year-olds wearing diapers and went on to clarify many of your remaining obfuscations and misrepresentations at 11/22 8:12pm in a reasonable, non-profane, non-troll-like manner. I then proceeded to discuss the topic with magus and others on the board while you retreated into the woodwork or some uncommon turd retreat.

    Somehow that panty/diaper bee must have crawled up your tightly puckered rectum, migrated to your brain, and festered there until all your frustration burst forth in a particularly long post (Eating in America 12/22 2:51pm )–perhaps the longest post ever on this blog, if we exclude some of TJ’s unedited paste jobs–until this one, that is. What released the dreaded brain-bee? Let’s see what we see/

    You had written :”And yet nearly every one of these people buys their lunch in the cafeteria and from what I’ve been told, eat at McDonalds, BK, etc. frequently for dinner. Meanwhile, both of our wives, who could certainly spend their disposable income on a hot lunch if they so desired, brown-bag it every day.”
    So I asked: “You’ve ‘been told’ that ‘nearly every one of these people buys their lunch in the cafeteria’? At that call center they’ve got someone keeping track of that kind of thing? Are your wives (you and coworker) at the call center ‘worker bees’ [your choice of words later in the post--ahhhh, there's the butt-bee!] or management or level or above? Are they the ones who observe the eating and spending habits of the ‘worker bees’ perhaps? Are the ‘worker bees’ all married to working spouses? Or are some of them or nearly every one of them single? ”

    Now, I didn’t question your 12/22/1:54 because you said it was your own experience. I questioned the other material because it was hearsay. Subsequently you offered that the one who “told” you was your wife. You apparently didn’t think that someone might actually be reading your post and actually give a crap who told you. You don’t think you could have originally written “I’ve been told by my wife who works as a ….at a call center. . .etc” ?

    I don’t accept everything on here at face value. If someone tells me there’s a line on the federal tax form where I can give the government more money if I wish, he should be able to show me where. He, kernunos, couldn’t. If someone tells me (Archaeological Evidence of God 9/6/2009) at the end of my 9:40pm post–yes, I was biomass2 back then, and I sort of miss him–I call him (kernunos again) out for what I thought may be a false claim about spinal fluid. Turns out it was a false claim. I pursued TJ for a while over his desire to marginalize an unspecified number of American Muslims in defense of the motherland. We never came to any sort of understanding, but it was an interesting discussion. I still don’t see why he didn’t find the Rand study a compelling argument for being careful who and how many American Muslims we alienate. I was freddiek then. Not as enjoyable a role. Perhaps TJ thought I was a troll. If so he spent an inordinate amount of time answering my posts.

    Then there’s magus. He occasionally redefines words to fit his own purposes. I’ve “mentioned” that to him. I think words have meanings, and using those redefined words indiscriminately destroys one’s message. That’s pretty important, I should think, for one who hopes to publish. Of course, editors are paid to clean up author’s messes. Magus also dislikes my “rhetorical questions.” Look at the 10/22/2010 Is Homosexuality a Choice discussion. Start at magus’ 11/2 4:55am and read the ensuing discussion. To me, we were both asking questions designed to provoke thought but unlikely to produce answers. Such questions are worthwhile. They get posters whose viewpoints are set in stone to give some thought to possible weak spots in their thinking. Quite often, the posters don’t even try to answer, fearing they’ll weaken their defenses. Sometimes they do, and they’re right! Ah, the good times.

    Ya know, I’ve been on here as one character or another since mid-2009. I recall the occasional troll profaning this blog, but not one of the posters mentioned above, save you, waded in hip-deep with your “dipshit”, “bullshit” ,”fucking” crap. I’ll take my leave of you and this blog in a tone similar to that with which you approached me in November:

    WTP: FUCK YOU and the horse you rode in on.

    • erik said, on January 28, 2011 at 10:52 pm

      remove “what we see/”
      change “for being careful who and” to “for being careful about ”
      change “author’s” to ” authors’”

      biomass2
      freddiek
      erik


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